I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13. And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12. Like I had something to do with it! I was like, “Mom, I have been here all night.
I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris” My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.” So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”īut he said, “John this toothbrush is bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said “bone-dry”. But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, “Euch! This oughta be good!” A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.”
Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?”
I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.īecause if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!” I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you. (low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience. ♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town! ♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends! ♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!